If you asked me point blank- what is your biggest struggle? What is the thing that lies beneath the surface of your everyday life, pestering you?
After some rather unlovely, scrawled journal entries and a handful of blog posts I can more confidently say it’s purpose.
I swear I’ve heard it when I’m in the Dollar General just picking something up. What are you doing? Clearly, I’m running an errand. And where else to get that funny feeling but in the belly of the beast of ordinary life. A concrete store where people get cigarettes and fabric softener and shelf-stable donuts. But the voice asking what I am doing is asking beyond the small mundane task.
A lot of my time is spent taking care of what needs to be done so I can appear as normal as possible. The strange part is that I am just trying to get by, maintaining appearances in order to be left alone. Is this what so many of us want? To take care of all the things so we can say it’s done, and then get to a quiet place and wonder, was that good enough?
I realize this is an image thing. It’s an urgency thing. I often wonder what it would be like to sacrifice whatever I think others think of me for purpose and freedom.
When I remember my purpose first, I am asking how to better take care of my family behind the scenes. I am asking for what I honestly need. I am opening doors that promise clarity and closing others that only lead to confusion. I am valuing the gifts right in front of me and valuing myself right now. It might be what needs to change is that I begin to think and believe I am valuable, treasured and whole, no matter how well the next season plays out.
I know, or maybe have been taught, that my purpose is entwined in the very fact that I exist. It’s the fact that I have a unique thumbprint. It’s the limitation on my time.
My next visit to the DG involves me cashing out while a disheveled looking woman gets apprehended for stealing. She throws a neon pink piece of clothing from her purse to the manager, offers to pay, gets rejected and told to leave.
My three kids are watching the scene wide-eyed. I just want to get coffee filters so I can go home and start the day.
I am no better than this woman, but I try and believe better. My girls see the pain she is going through and my hope is they believe better for themselves: maybe that is the beginning of Purpose.
Stephanie M Writes 