A change in season brings up two very different emotions in me. At times I’ve been hopeful and excited to watch the kids experience new things and to feel like we’re really going somewhere.
This fall and winter has me looking around clear headed but without all the answers. I’ve got to make decisions and I’ve got to be honest. Together as a family we’re collecting the kindling to start a new fire. The way to start a fire is so delicate and time consuming. We start with sticks as small as bird feathers and collect fuel that will burn quickly and lay the foundation for a fire that burns brighter.
I’ve always wanted the mature fire that looks and feels like it will roar for days without going out. I long for security and to look straight at promises fulfilled. I don’t like to face the reality of the work it’s going to take to get the fire blazing. It doesn’t just take work: it also involves patience to proceed step by step, and faith that the process will yield results.
I’ve been listening to The Bible Binge podcast and I learn something new from each episode. (Heads up this is not a podcast for young ears so wear headphones). It’s so easy to worship God along with the “Heroes of the Bible” that I learned about growing up in church. The true scenario of their lives is much more basic, primitive and messed up than I imagined. As a girl that wants things to fall in line and for one track in life to follow the next in a really neat way, that’s an eye-opener for me.
Waiting for a loong, long time seems to be a common theme.
It leaves me with the realization that we’ve concocted MANY expectations for our lives, whether from pride, or envy from not being content with what we have, and we pay such close attention to everyone else near and far from us via social media channels. but our lives are also really really basic. Why we try to cover up so much or do the opposite and put a positive spin on everything baffles me. We can make idols of other people, thinking they can do no wrong, when really we’re all so similar.
Bottom line: It’s hard to move forward and own the decisions you have made. It’s hard to move forward without trying to manipulate the way others might see your past. It’s hard to know yourself better and not love it. It’s hard to need others and to depend on God for direction.
Stephanie M Writes 